Before we start, let’s just get one thing clear. This blog is not about winning the arguments literally. Don’t aim to do that. It is not the wisest idea. You will know why later in the article. Here, winning refers to winning over or inducing a sense of victory in your mind by doing the right things.
If you keep losing the argument even when you are right, it may be because you are doing something wrong. Have you noticed a pattern? Most often than never, there is always a certain pattern that leads to the right person losing the fight to the wrong person. But not anymore! Because we aim to solve this problem for you. Here are 12 tips that will show you how to win every argument with your partner every time.
1. If you must, start your accusatory sentences with “I am sorry, but…”
You should never have an accusatory tone in an argument. You will learn why you should not, later in the article. But for now, just know that you can tweak your sentences a little if you must do it because you really want to be out there. Various reasons might lead to you to accuse your partner of something intentionally. They may be dense and have no appreciation for subtlety at all. It could also be possible that your partner never admits to their mistakes and you really want to make it obvious. Whatever it is, measure your words even when you intentionally hurt your partner.
Starting your accusations with “I am sorry,” allows your partner to put their guard down. So it catches them off-guard when you follow it with an accusation. And that is when you win the argument.
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2. Aim to save the relationship, not to win
Every argument has the potential to go horribly wrong. And just like bad plastic surgery, very few things can be done to restore it completely. Fight with a view to keeping the relationship healthy even after the quarrel. Maintain a composed behaviour throughout. Do not yell or make use of hurtful remarks. Don’t go lower than you are supposed to. And whatever you do, never get physical. Not because it is wrong, but because you instantly lose the argument where you get physical. You have no upper hand after the quarrel is over. And you are equally guilty when all is said and done. Keep it passive. Ditch the aggression. And never try to win.
It is true what they say. Win an argument, lose a relationship. That is what happens ever so often. You focus on winning so much that you are willing to say anything to help your case. That is how you lose people. So if you want to keep the relationship while winning the fight, this is your golden advice. Take it. Cherish it. It goes a long way!
3. Use their logic against them
It is extremely essential for you to pay close attention to what your partner says during the argument. That is how you win an argument. You need to find loopholes in their story. And for that, you need to listen to them incredibly carefully. Listen! The greatest tip to win any argument. You can’t win if you focus on spewing words at your partner randomly. That is a poor way of quarrelling.
Observe the kind of words they use. People tend to use weak logic to prove their point when arguing. It is likely that they will trap themselves in their web. And when they do that, you can jump in and use their logic against them without sounding like a complete jerk. No image harmed.
4. Don’t argue to maintain your character
We all knew it. But we could not put the finger on it. So when Biswa put it in words, it all made sense to us. He said couples fight to maintain character. They keep arguing even when they are not angry anymore. That means we are arguing without having any source for their anger. That’s telling something.
Humans continue to argue even when they are not angry and know that they may be wrong. It is because they have already got themselves in the situation. And if they back out now, it will be really embarrassing. So they stick with their argument to save themselves from the embarrassment.
Remember that if you want to win an argument, you need to break character. Keep the argument realistic. You have to accept your mistakes because you can’t always be right. When you accept your flaws, you calm the other person down. Imagine what would happen if you accused someone of something and they accepted it right away. Would you not be taken aback? You will immediately lower your voice because there is nothing more to say now that the other person has accepted their mistake. Now, they will have the upper hand in the argument.
5. Stay above the belt
This is an extremely important thing to keep in mind. You can’t be of poor taste. If you want to win all your arguments against your partner, minimise the offensive terms. Steer clear of the bad past, traumatic history, foul language, and everything else in that department. Keep the argument healthy even if it is incredibly negative. You can still have a positive argument while being in a toxic situation.
Don’t stoop low! The prime example of this is, couples bringing up their partner’s previous relationships. They try to win the argument by telling their partner about the reasons that their exes left them. This is something that their partner might have told them in confidence, or it may be something about which they are truly insecure. And that is why it is a bad idea. This is just one fight/argument. It will pass. But your relationship is going to be around. And nobody wants to be with someone who uses their insecurities against them in fights. Forget about winning the argument; you will actually be doing more damage to your bond if you do this.
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6. Don’t prove them a liar
People always forget that they are arguing with a human… with feelings. They will get hurt. They won’t like it when you prove them wrong. Similarly, they won’t like it when you prove them a liar. Nobody will. So don’t waste your energy in making them feel guilty for lying.
Instead of trying to accuse them directly, spend the 15 minutes that you are going to argue telling them why you don’t agree with ‘their truth.’ Yes, it is just like in a courtroom. But you don’t have to be dramatic while arguing. Say “I don’t think that’s entirely true” instead of saying “You are lying.” Also, don’t waste your time telling them how wrong they are or how much they are lying. Stick to speaking your truth. You know it better. That is the best you can do.
When you accuse someone of lying, you have to defend your accusation against them. So you get less time to tell your side of the story. And that is how you lose the argument…
7. Address the problem, not the person
You can’t argue about something without telling someone their fault. It is natural. But you can’t keep doing that if you want to win over every argument with your partner. Personal attacks are one of the major reasons that people break up after a fight, no matter how big or small it is. Choose the high road and attack the problem rather than attacking the person.
Tell your partner how a partner situation or behaviour affects you without associating them with it. For instance, if you don’t like your partner raising their voice, tell them how raised voices, in general, affect your mental process. Don’t tell them that it is their voice that disturbs you. Don’t associate it with them. And after you are done putting forth the problem, offer a solution. Always follow up the problem with a solution to remain in the clear.
8. Understand that not all conflicts get resolved
Fights and arguments may not be necessary, but they are crucial for every relationship. They allow couples to grow and learn more about one another. And contrary to popular belief, fights do not resolve underlying issues in a relationship. Not necessarily! Conflicts do not offer room for resolution. So if you are fighting to make things right, stop! (Wait a minute. Fill my cup…)
Aim to understand your partner instead of resolving the issue at hand. Understand their perspective and where they are coming from. Ask yourself what makes them think and say this. And no matter how difficult it is, keep a neutral outlook. It is okay if your arguments don’t return with a favourable outcome for both. If you feel that you have understood your partner better at the end of the fight, you have succeeded at relationships.
9. Suggest a solution wherever possible
As mentioned earlier, stop throwing problems at your partner. “You are messy,” “I hate how loudly you snore at night and disturb my sleep,” “I don’t like it when you talk to that boy,” etc., etc. You know how it goes. These are all problems. But how would you resolve them? Had your partner known the solution, they would already have resolved the issues. But they don’t so it is your duty to offer a solution or at least justify the issues you have with your partner.
For example, telling your partner why you don’t like them talking to that boy rather than simply telling them no, will help them understand your perspective better and sooner. And the possibilities of them deciding in your favour will increase. Remember that you can make your communication clearer by allowing your partner to take a peek into your thought pattern. You will have fewer fights and misunderstandings.
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10. Understand that fights happen between all couples
When two people interact with each other all the time, they tend to fight. This is because nobody is perfect. Living with or talking to someone allows you to know more about them. And as you learn about your partner’s flaws, it makes it difficult for you to adapt to them immediately. So you vent out your frustration by yelling, quarrelling and fighting.
The good thing is that you are not alone. Every couple fights. And they learn to survive through the fights. Bear this in mind every time you quarrel with your significant other. It will allow you to keep your head and keep a check on what you say and you say it. Don’t forget that it is just a fight and not the end of the world. Argue like that, and you will have your partner realising their mistake sooner than you will make them.
11. Never raise your voice
This is an old trick, but it really works. You lose that argument, in which you feel the need to raise your voice. The truth is that everyone knows this. Your defence ceases to hold water the moment you increase your volume. So it is easier to pin you down and defeat you.
When you raise your voice, you create a negative vibe around you. You immediately draw attention to yourself. And this is not the good kind of attention. People feel a sense of resentment towards you. So even if you are right, you lose not only the argument but also the respect of the people involved. The more volume you increase, the less significance your problem has. By speaking or acting out aggressively, you put yourself in a bad light even when you are the victim. And as the attention shifts, you unintentionally cover the person who is doing you wrong. This is called outrageous overshadowing. This does not help your case!
Arguments are incredibly tactical. And as mentioned repeatedly in this blog, you have to measure your every word every time you are in a fight.
12. End it with a joke
It should be mandatory for every couple to end an argument with a small joke. It is a way to lighten up the mood. And it serves as a reminder to both the individuals that their relationship is bigger than any stupid argument. But you need to be the first one to tell the joke. Doing this shows that you are the bigger person and that you value your partner more than winning a petty fight. In fact, even your partner will agree that you have won because you make them smile when you are both stressed. And there will be less bad blood after the fight. What else do you wish for?