What a master key does to a lock is what efforts do to a relationship. That is what relationship counselling does for you. Be it you guys not finding enough time for each other after a long week or you guys disagreeing on whether or not you need a pet. What creates friction between the two is not one big issue but the reaction of the other towards small, unimportant issues. There are times when you would feel that you guys are not compatible enough but that is when you need to hold on. That one thought which comes to your mind, ‘ I cannot live without this person’ is necessary for the relationship to sustain.
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It is very easy to fall in love or fall out of love but what requires real efforts is to stay in love. To love your partner the most when you feel like just throwing that person out of your house. There will be times when you won’t love your partner which is completely fine. What you do to save and sustain your relationship is what matters.
The problem with Indians is that they do not consider counselling to be a normal thing
When you two want to hold on to your partner but don’t know how that is when a relationship counsellor comes into the picture. I have had friends who come to me telling that their partner no is no more the same person, they speak to me about the problems their relationship is facing, that their relationship is toxic now. One advice to all those people who feel that there is a crack in their relationship is that there is nothing wrong in opening your phone and typing on Google, ‘relationship counselling near me’. I am not assuring that it will make you love your partner more all of a sudden but sometimes all you need is unbiased advice which is only possible when it comes from someone you do not know. Neither your friends nor your family will give you a completely unbiased opinion.
Counselling acts as an effort the two individuals make to stay in love
When it comes to India opting for a counsellor is still considered to be a big deal. Imagine a scenario where a live-in couple feels that after spending years together and they are not good for each other but since they love each other too deeply they decide to approach a counsellor rather than directly calling it quits. How would their friends react to this? According to the Indian mentality, the first reaction would be, ‘Yaar aisa kya ho gaya ke iski zarurat padegi?’. The problem with Indians is that they do not consider counselling to be a normal thing.
With this blog, we would like to tell our readers how ‘normal’ it is to go to a counsellor. It is completely fine to go to a counsellor and talk about your problems. Let us dig a little deeper into this well of relationships and figure out how relationships can be worked upon.
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Relationships and marriage
Divorce is rising at an alarming rate in our country. With divorce rates rising every single day in India, marriage and relationship therapy in the country is booming. The biggest challenge that the psychologists in the therapy face is relationship counselling. It is not easy to deal with a spate in marital discord. The issues that couples come up with while seeking counselling have varied in these years. Issues like staying in a joint family and ways to deal with mother-in-law top the list. Perhaps that burden on responsibilities on the four tender shoulders is the reason why couples question their relationship.
The biggest challenge that the therapists face is relationship counselling
Dr Nisha Khanna, a family counsellor in New Delhi opened up about the matter in an article in TOI. She said, “ Couples now come to us with temperamental issues. It is no longer about the adjustment. The male ego is still high- 70% of men still do not take no for an answer. And women now refuse to accept that. Both men and women are having extramarital affairs. The bottom line is that individuals are unhappy. And if one is unhappy in life there is no way he or she will find happiness in marriage”.
Therapy is not as simple as popping a pill. Most of the time it involves dealing with one’s emotions that most of the people are not comfortable with. One may find it difficult to deal with their own emotions let alone accepting them.
Why do you need counselling?
A successful relationship involves falling in love many times, with the same person. Are you contemplating a divorce? Have you and your partner been arguing or fighting too much lately? Are you not sure if you can make this relationship work?
The average couple is unhappy for six years before seeking therapy
When these questions pop up in your mind you need a counsellor. Your relationship has this gap which needs to be filled immediately before it ultimately breaks. I can tell from my personal experience that I have seen a lot of couples who could have worked on their differences rather than separating and going different ways.
Research indicates that the average couple is unhappy for six years before seeking therapy. In India individuals in a relationship often avoid taking any efforts in a relationship until things get worst and become much more serious and are mostly beyond repair. Couples who avoid the risk of revealing their private issues put themselves at a greater risk of becoming distant emotionally and growing apart.
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– Turnoffs while counselling
When you ask yourself if you need therapy or not, you may also come across a thought that will create a small possibility in your mind. What if this does not work out? What if therapy does no good to our relationship woes. Well, one answer to this is that there are two things where the couple may go wrong while seeking therapy, this results in the therapy not working the way it should. Let us have an insight into the mistakes couples do while they are counselling for their relationship to work.
– Not Communicating with the counsellor
The key factor to make a relationship work is to be able to communicate with the counsellor. Now, this may seem to be a challenge for an Indian as the most heard line that one gets to listen to while trying to intervene in couple’s relationship is, ‘Humara problem hai, hum dekh lenge’. If you are not comfortable with sharing the most intimate experiences with the counsellor no counselling session will benefit the situation.
– Being irregular with therapy
Counselling is not an overnight therapy. This is a slow and gradual process which takes time. The secret recipe of proper counselling that can save a relationship is three cups of proper counselling with an equal quantity of regularity in the sessions by the couple. You cannot leave it midway. The sessions should be held at regular intervals with the therapist listening to the story from both sides. Like we said earlier the couple needs to be honest with the counsellor about their problems.
Initially, it may seem difficult to work in synchronization with the counsellor but if it makes you happy the efforts are definitely worth it. You cannot clap with one hand, can you? The job of the counsellor is to help you save your marriage but only if you as a couple are ready to help yourself.
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How does counselling help in fixing a relationship?
Now you guys know when and why your relationship needs that little push to save itself but another question here is what does Counselling actually do? How it can help you go to that happily ever after stage after you have been contemplating to divorce your partner? How is better than contacting your friends and family for help. You may be wondering how can a couple benefit from counselling? How can a couple recognise that their problems now cannot be dealt with at home, together? Well, honestly, this million-dollar question does not have a simple answer but mostly the couples seem to know when things are reaching a stalemate.
Let us look at how counselling helps couples in different situations-
1. A toxic relationship
It is advised that couples in a toxic relationship should not expect any kind of improvement unless the relationship is freed from its toxic nature. Toxic relationships involve abusive relationships when one of the partners does through d0mestic violence. Now since we are talking about a country like India this is the case in every other house here. Now, this does have a solution that lies in relationship counselling only if the victim is patient enough to deal with the partner and the abusive partner decides to change the nature of the relationship.
2. Relationship with a narcissist
This relationship usually does not have ugly consequences but if the narcissistic partner always feels their pride is more important than the happiness of their partner, then this will result into an unhappy and broken relationship in a long run. Counselling, in this case, can make the narcissist realize how the love of a person always carries more value than ego and pride. The counsellor makes the narcissist feel the importance of love. A narcissist is to be dealt with carefully. Counselling of relationship with a narcissist has fair chances of succeeding with efforts from the other partner and the counsellor.
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3. Relationship with an aggressive partner
What matters here is not the anger of the partner but the other partner deals with it. If the other partner can deal with the anger than there is no need for counselling but the problem arises when both the partners are temperamental. The way of dealing with both partners dealing with the issue as an individual plays a major role here. Counselling here can take place in two directions. One by working on the anger management of the partners and two by working on their relationship. Dealing with your anger is the key here. If you cannot control your own anger you can certainly not control your relationship then. Anger management classes or anger therapy is something that can always help you.
Different types of relationships have different types of solutions. Since a counsellor knows the psychology of men and women, in general, it becomes easy for a counsellor to help in fixing a relationship.
Dealing with your anger is the key here
Dealing with a broken relationship is tough especially when you decide that you want to stay in it though it is hurting you. You may feel like ending it right there and not dealing with it on a daily basis. I have seen couples who were in love for years and now refuse to face each other. But on the other hand, I have also seen couples who knew that there is a crack in their relationship which needs to be healed. Just like how a fever or a cold cannot be left as it is. Physical and mental well being is equally important as an individual and for a couple.
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Just like broken glass pieces, broken relationship hurts if not collected and healed. How you want to heal it is completely up to you. A relationship can be damaged from issues like marriage responsibilities, ego, pride, abuse be it physical or verbal.
Love does not come from thin air. Similarly, efforts of a couple in fixing their broken relationship do not come from thin air. It does take a lot from a person mentally and physically. I know I have left you guys wondering with a lot of things in your head. But trust me. Being happy is the best gift you can give to yourself not only as a couple but as an individual, as well. Counselling is a personal choice of the two individuals who are involved in a broken relationship. It does not matter if you are a heterosexual or homosexual couple. It is a very personal choice, but this one effort can certainly make a relationship better.